《 texts from edo. 》

[justaways]

you know the deal.
other canons welcome, but i figured it would primarily just be us horrible people.

Comments

[tightlipped]

I said, don't come out here.
If you know what's good for youz.

You'll regret it.

_{[ because it would be!! a very unpleasant experience for you, Chief! You deal with enough shit on a daily basis— you don't need to deal with any more. He's watching out for you, but something about this message seems ominous. ]}

[gorillatama]

normally that'd be a felony to do that on a cops **** but we're buddies so
i'll get a towel in case......

[tightlipped]

<sub>[ Buddies? He just so easily said they're buddies? He's known Kondo for awhile now, having trained in his dojo back in the day but.. he wasn't fully aware of how close Kondo thought of him. Their relationship was hazy; never clear. Of course, it was like that with pretty much him and all of the Shinsengumi. Only Okita was pretty clear about what kind of relationship they had.

Oh my god? He's certain he felt a little bit come out just now— his underwear is probably soiled. He's gotta go find a bathroom and fast. He really has no other excuse but to just—
Run. What if Kondo smelled it? What if it smelled funny? Pooping in your pants is normal in this series but it freaked him out.

Run he does, leaving the artichoke. Kondo is free to assume the worst has happened (whatever that may be.) ]</sub>

[gorillatama]

[this is literally the worst thing, please assume Kondo expects the worst and goes to find him, a new pair of pants in tow]

[tightlipped]

<sub>[ thanks, Chief. You're a real pal to think of him this much.
Anyway, he's gotta go fast; you better be able to walk pretty fast, but it's hard to not see that bright orange 'fro where ever he goes around the police unit.

Like hidden in a bush nearby. Please don't notice him. He's certain he has soiled himself. ]</sub>

[gorillatama]

[okay but Kondo knows to follow that trail by now.....and smell....so uh]

[tightlipped]

_{[ A NOTEPAD RAISES FROM THE BUSH. OH MY GOOOOOD. ]}

NOBODY IS HERE!!
_{[ his hands were shaking??? oh goddd ]}

[gorillatama]

......Clearly someone's there...I recognize your handwriting....

[just
crickets chirping]

Do you want pants?

[tightlipped]

_{[ IS IT REALLY THAT OBVIOUS??? It can't be!! ]}
W—Why would I need pantz?
You're the one who needs pantz.

_{[ somehow there was stuttering in his handwriting.. ]}

You can't fool me.

[gorillatama]

You're going for that style? Forreal? You're just wasting ink--

Look just. I'm going to leave the pants here. And turn around. Okay?

[does as he says]

[tightlipped]

_{[ Kondo is so nice. He's always been nice to him. He wasn't one to really help him communicate but he was nice. ]}

I don't think this is something—
You should be doing.

You'll be sorry.
_{[ this sounds scary??? ]}

[gorillatama]

Why are you threatening me-- they're sweat pants! Nothing that says juicy on the ass!

[CONFUSED???]

[tightlipped]

<sub>[ Why was he threatening him indeed? It was for his own safety! The safety of his sweat pants that Saitou knew he might mess up and ruin with his constant restroom trips. No, he wouldn't allow such a fate fall upon his chief! It's for our own good, Kondo-san!

A blade is pulled from the back of his pack and he points it directly at Kondo. He nudges it towards Kondo, implying he should probably back away. His other hand holds up a note: ]</sub>

I don't deserve need your charity.
_{[ what an odd note. ]}

[gorillatama]

There's poop on there. Don't threaten me with a poop knife! I'll take you down.

[sternly now

he will Not be intimidated by a poop knife]

[tightlipped]

<sub>[ Oh, shit. Literally.
In a nervous fit, he figures out a way to get rid of this blade— it needs to go, far, far away. Where he cant see or smell the feces on that.
He hurls it, and it goes whizzing past Kondo's shoulder, but doesn't hit him. It's a good throw, worthy of a 10/10 and guaranteed to kill anybody who gets hit with it.

Thankfully, though, it lands straight in the police station behind him and sticks in the wall.
Ohhh, shit. He's too upset to stop and write a note of apology, so he just stands there, frozen, with an unreadable, firm gaze. ]</sub>

[gorillatama]

[Crickets chirp. The murmurs from the others inside drones on. Kondo clears his throat.]

Why don't I go get you a towel, too. Then you can.......deal with that.

[sympathy radiates off him in droves]