[ Why? That's really all Katsura could think. He knew he was appreciated by certain people, but he was so accustomed to being pushed away or forgotten. Had he really been so foolish in this kind of thinking all along?
He doesn't respond to having his face caressed. There were too many emotions going through his body right now: fear, regret, uncertainty, sadness, anger, confusion, warmth. He was overwhelmed. His body didn't know how to react.
Finally, he starts crying more, shaking breaths and soft whimpering. He was never one to cry loudly, even when he was by himself as a child and there was no one around to judge him for feeling so much emotion. ]
—E—Everything I love always leaves me. [ Why can't they stay? Why can't he be happy? ]
I dunno about that whole thing... Ah! Bein' somethin' ya love.
But I'm here to stay this time.
[Sakamoto lets him cry, it's natural, Zura has undergone an overwhelming amount of grief. Horrible physical and mental torture...
And the unfortunate loss of a friend. If Sakamoto could have prevented it, he would have. Elizabeth was his friend too.]
What's all this cryin', aa? You think this is what Elizabeth-kun woulda wanted? Fat chance! He made a sacrifice so you could keep on livin'. Aren't you gonna honor him? His wishes, his wishes! That's what I mean.
[ Katsura is selfish, though. It's too early for Sakamoto to be saying something like this— even if what he is saying it right and Katsura knows it. He understands that Sakamoto is trying to help.
He doesn't want it. Katsura knows Elizabeth desires for him to live. He will honor his wishes. But he can't. He can't right now.
Katsura turns over, showing his back to Sakamoto before coiling up in a fetal position. ]
You gotta understand somethin' real quick- I can't just leave you alone when you're like this. If it's not me sittin' here, it's gonna be another part o' the crew.
[ He doesn't know what to say or how to say it, but the crippling fear of having Sakamoto leave him one way or another is quickly doused by his reassurance and his promise. For how long, though? How long will he be here with Katsura?
It only hurt to get closer to him; would it be worth it? He has sacrificed so much already to grow closer to his friends only to see them leave.. one by one.
He doesn't respond for the longest time, but when he finally does: ]
You have to promise to never leave me, then. [ That's all he wants. ]
[There's a room being set up for Katsura at the moment, it's a modest but comfortable abode. One of the nicest things about working for the Kaientai is being provided room and board, something that many struggle to obtain.]
It was selfish of me to have brought you here, maybe.
But honestly, I don't give a damn.
[Zura was in trouble, this was his only option. It was go to space or die unhappy and alone, and Sakamoto didn't want that for one of his closest friends.
His only remaining friend from back then, actually. In a hushed tone, so that his crew members know that he's speaking but can't discern his words:]
I wasn't gonna let you die like some common criminal. You ain't common, that's fer sure!
[What Sakamoto doesn't say is that he's tired of sleeping alone, that he's thought many times about how it would feel if Zura was in his bed. But that is true selfishness, isn't it? And maybe it wasn't all that bad, because he'd suffer with this lifelong misery if Zura was in another place and was happy.
But he wasn't.]
We're fixin' up a room for ya if you'd like it, but...
I've got a feelin' you'd rather stay with me. Ain't that right?
[ It's true. He didn't want to die alone, and Sakamoto prevented that. He has something to be thankful for. It was tricky to be thankful for anything right now— he couldn't understand how Sakamoto could be by his side with an inviting look in his eyes.
Was this his new life now? Could he never return home? ]
—I want to stay where my heart belongs. [ Back on Earth. Back in Japan. But, with how things were between he and Sakamoto now.. that left a big question mark. Where did his heart actually belong, now? Was he fated to be flying around space now— among the enemy and the unknown?
He curls up tighter, hiding his face within his dirty palms. Everything hurt so much.
There's a long silence that dwells in the room, but something soft passes through his lips: ]
—You care so much. [ To save him. He can't verbally say thank you just yet, but he means it. ]
It feels as though it's in his right hand, and he is reminded of something he can never hold again. A blade that glints beautifully in the sunlight, a deceptively pretty thing, beautiful until it pierces human skin. Sakamoto tries not to think about it, but the noises perturb him anyway. The cracking of bones, the fountain of red that pours from an artery dousing the ground as if it were a shoddy canvas... To watch a man's eyes as his soul leaves his body is the same as seeing a car crash: it is all very horrible, but fascinating.
Sakamoto had felt sick many times before, wielding that dangerous thing, so perhaps it's better that he can't. Then why, why, does he miss it? Fighting wasn't even a thing Sakamoto loved. How sad will Zura feel now? This is but a mere smidgeon of what the other man must be experiencing right now.]
I'm sorry.
[The pain spreads to the merchants chest. His heart, his heart is hurting now.]
I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't let you go. People talk shit about ya, say you're a coward n' all- But we both know who the real coward is.
[In a hushed tone:]
I didn't want to live in a world without you, Zura. Don't you wanna live? To see Japan grow, become beautiful again.
[ How was Japan going to grow effectively without him there to supply it with his contribution of water? The water of reformists that flooded through the underground; places like Yoshiwara. They were the life of changing Japan back to the way that it used to be, gathering more and more followers as the days went on.
His faction might have been split up and missing their leader, but... Sakamoto was right. He wanted to see Japan's future, regardless of the outcome. This is the second time a friend of his has encouraged him to live on and it probably won't be the last.
I didn't want to live in a world without you, Zura. This was more impacting than Sakamoto might have thought it would be.
There's a slight whimper and Katsura turns over, sitting up just enough to wrap his arms around Sakamoto's neck, embracing him without any fear of what seeing eyes might think. ]
[It isn't a kiss, but it feels just like one. Sakamoto's arms curve around his friend's torso instinctively, and though he's staring right in the direction of his onlookers, the many faces of the friends who have come to be family, he doesn't see a thing.
What an unnecessary reaction this is, unnecessary but wonderful. Some would say that about Sakamoto's happiness- He finds joy in such little things, it almost seems ridiculous.]
You'll be alright, Zura.
The people on this ship are good.
[You included.]
I know ya don't like space, but home-
[He blinks, as if he's carefully considering is words.]
I guess it's different for everybody! Ah, home... For me, it's more of a feeling than a place.
[The Kairinmaru is not Japan, but it has a heart of its own. A heart that rivals that of an entire country, but to be fair, these people are born from it.]
[ Will he be alright? Sakamoto says it like it's nothing— like he always does. What else do you expect from somebody who outwardly bursts optimism? Katsura was never one to think like that— he was more of a realistic thinker most of the time than anything else.
He's not happy with this situation. He isn't willing to admit that he is thankful for Sakamoto's aid and his sacrifice— not this instant. It's to much of a sudden change and his emotions were too much right now. Sakamoto may be able to find home everywhere, but Katsura didn't. His home was Japan and he had poured so much care and loyalty into it.. it felt terrible to have it taken away from him.
He can see where Sakamoto is coming from, though, and he can feel a sense of joy in the fact that Sakamoto cared so much to bail him our and bring him here.. but he still cannot say outwardly that he is thankful.
More tears pour out of his eyes, his fingers curl into Sakamoto's coat. He does this for a moment, as long as he needs to, before he goes completely quiet— hardly even breathing. ]
—I need to be alone. [ Which was odd, coming from him. ]
[Sakamoto has been called brave many times in his life, but stupid! Stupid is a better word.
How can he be brave, especially now, when he can hardly look an old friend in the face?]
Okay.
[He swallows hard, tone neutral, voice oddly soft.]
I'll give ya some space. But lemme tell ya, if there's one thing you've gotta know about sailin' around the universe with this loony bunch o' merchants-
[And this is said with a look of kindness that bore its way into even the cruelest of hearts, with a smile that carries the warmth of a man who has forgotten how to hate.]
It's that once you've stepped foot on any one of our ships, you'll never be alone again, no matter where ya are.
[ He pulls away and bows his head, not looking Sakamoto in the face, either. Apparently they're both cowards when it comes to stuff like this. His hands raise, scrubbing at his eyes, still keeping his sore eye closed tight. A warmth floods through his chest.
He feels.. so accepted. Especially with a statement like that. He was slightly worried about what the others on this ship might think of him, but at least Sakamoto's reassurance is making him relax more on that front. It wasn't always obvious, but Katsura was genuinely concerned with how others perceived him which was a little silly considering his political views were so opinionated and different from the average citizen. It was a fear of his to not be accepted when it came to making friends or "family" and what Sakamoto is describing now makes perfect sense.
Tatsuma would go with a crew that is like this, wouldn't he?
His eyes keep on the ground, but he nods before bringing both of his palms to his face. ]
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no subject
That's really all Katsura could think. He knew he was appreciated by certain people, but he was so accustomed to being pushed away or forgotten. Had he really been so foolish in this kind of thinking all along?
He doesn't respond to having his face caressed. There were too many emotions going through his body right now: fear, regret, uncertainty, sadness, anger, confusion, warmth. He was overwhelmed. His body didn't know how to react.
Finally, he starts crying more, shaking breaths and soft whimpering. He was never one to cry loudly, even when he was by himself as a child and there was no one around to judge him for feeling so much emotion. ]
—E—Everything I love always leaves me.
[ Why can't they stay? Why can't he be happy? ]
no subject
But I'm here to stay this time.
[Sakamoto lets him cry, it's natural, Zura has undergone an overwhelming amount of grief. Horrible physical and mental torture...
And the unfortunate loss of a friend. If Sakamoto could have prevented it, he would have. Elizabeth was his friend too.]
What's all this cryin', aa? You think this is what Elizabeth-kun woulda wanted? Fat chance! He made a sacrifice so you could keep on livin'. Aren't you gonna honor him? His wishes, his wishes! That's what I mean.
no subject
He doesn't want it.
Katsura knows Elizabeth desires for him to live. He will honor his wishes.
But he can't. He can't right now.
Katsura turns over, showing his back to Sakamoto before coiling up in a fetal position. ]
no subject
[Quietly.]
You gotta understand somethin' real quick- I can't just leave you alone when you're like this. If it's not me sittin' here, it's gonna be another part o' the crew.
[In a whisper, and then loudly again:]
I'm scared of what you'll do. So, so! Ahaha...
[He sounds nervous.]
Don't let me be scared, okay? Can ya promise me?
no subject
It only hurt to get closer to him; would it be worth it? He has sacrificed so much already to grow closer to his friends only to see them leave.. one by one.
He doesn't respond for the longest time, but when he finally does: ]
You have to promise to never leave me, then.
[ That's all he wants. ]
no subject
[There's a room being set up for Katsura at the moment, it's a modest but comfortable abode. One of the nicest things about working for the Kaientai is being provided room and board, something that many struggle to obtain.]
It was selfish of me to have brought you here, maybe.
But honestly, I don't give a damn.
[Zura was in trouble, this was his only option. It was go to space or die unhappy and alone, and Sakamoto didn't want that for one of his closest friends.
His only remaining friend from back then, actually. In a hushed tone, so that his crew members know that he's speaking but can't discern his words:]
I wasn't gonna let you die like some common criminal. You ain't common, that's fer sure!
[What Sakamoto doesn't say is that he's tired of sleeping alone, that he's thought many times about how it would feel if Zura was in his bed. But that is true selfishness, isn't it? And maybe it wasn't all that bad, because he'd suffer with this lifelong misery if Zura was in another place and was happy.
But he wasn't.]
We're fixin' up a room for ya if you'd like it, but...
I've got a feelin' you'd rather stay with me. Ain't that right?
[Sakamoto knows he's being presumptuous.]
no subject
Was this his new life now? Could he never return home? ]
—I want to stay where my heart belongs.
[ Back on Earth. Back in Japan.
But, with how things were between he and Sakamoto now.. that left a big question mark. Where did his heart actually belong, now?
Was he fated to be flying around space now— among the enemy and the unknown?
He curls up tighter, hiding his face within his dirty palms.
Everything hurt so much.
There's a long silence that dwells in the room, but something soft passes through his lips: ]
—You care so much.
[ To save him.
He can't verbally say thank you just yet, but he means it. ]
no subject
It feels as though it's in his right hand, and he is reminded of something he can never hold again. A blade that glints beautifully in the sunlight, a deceptively pretty thing, beautiful until it pierces human skin. Sakamoto tries not to think about it, but the noises perturb him anyway. The cracking of bones, the fountain of red that pours from an artery dousing the ground as if it were a shoddy canvas... To watch a man's eyes as his soul leaves his body is the same as seeing a car crash: it is all very horrible, but fascinating.
Sakamoto had felt sick many times before, wielding that dangerous thing, so perhaps it's better that he can't. Then why, why, does he miss it? Fighting wasn't even a thing Sakamoto loved. How sad will Zura feel now? This is but a mere smidgeon of what the other man must be experiencing right now.]
I'm sorry.
[The pain spreads to the merchants chest. His heart, his heart is hurting now.]
I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't let you go. People talk shit about ya, say you're a coward n' all- But we both know who the real coward is.
[In a hushed tone:]
I didn't want to live in a world without you, Zura. Don't you wanna live? To see Japan grow, become beautiful again.
War has damaged it so much.
no subject
His faction might have been split up and missing their leader, but...
Sakamoto was right. He wanted to see Japan's future, regardless of the outcome. This is the second time a friend of his has encouraged him to live on and it probably won't be the last.
I didn't want to live in a world without you, Zura. This was more impacting than Sakamoto might have thought it would be.
There's a slight whimper and Katsura turns over, sitting up just enough to wrap his arms around Sakamoto's neck, embracing him without any fear of what seeing eyes might think. ]
no subject
What an unnecessary reaction this is, unnecessary but wonderful. Some would say that about Sakamoto's happiness- He finds joy in such little things, it almost seems ridiculous.]
You'll be alright, Zura.
The people on this ship are good.
[You included.]
I know ya don't like space, but home-
[He blinks, as if he's carefully considering is words.]
I guess it's different for everybody! Ah, home... For me, it's more of a feeling than a place.
[The Kairinmaru is not Japan, but it has a heart of its own. A heart that rivals that of an entire country, but to be fair, these people are born from it.]
I'll do my best to make you feel comfortable.
no subject
He's not happy with this situation. He isn't willing to admit that he is thankful for Sakamoto's aid and his sacrifice— not this instant. It's to much of a sudden change and his emotions were too much right now. Sakamoto may be able to find home everywhere, but Katsura didn't. His home was Japan and he had poured so much care and loyalty into it.. it felt terrible to have it taken away from him.
He can see where Sakamoto is coming from, though, and he can feel a sense of joy in the fact that Sakamoto cared so much to bail him our and bring him here.. but he still cannot say outwardly that he is thankful.
More tears pour out of his eyes, his fingers curl into Sakamoto's coat. He does this for a moment, as long as he needs to, before he goes completely quiet— hardly even breathing. ]
—I need to be alone.
[ Which was odd, coming from him. ]
Don't disturb me.
1/2
How can he be brave, especially now, when he can hardly look an old friend in the face?]
Okay.
[He swallows hard, tone neutral, voice oddly soft.]
I'll give ya some space. But lemme tell ya, if there's one thing you've gotta know about sailin' around the universe with this loony bunch o' merchants-
no subject
It's that once you've stepped foot on any one of our ships, you'll never be alone again, no matter where ya are.
We'll always find ya. You got that?
no subject
His hands raise, scrubbing at his eyes, still keeping his sore eye closed tight. A warmth floods through his chest.
He feels.. so accepted. Especially with a statement like that. He was slightly worried about what the others on this ship might think of him, but at least Sakamoto's reassurance is making him relax more on that front. It wasn't always obvious, but Katsura was genuinely concerned with how others perceived him which was a little silly considering his political views were so opinionated and different from the average citizen. It was a fear of his to not be accepted when it came to making friends or "family" and what Sakamoto is describing now makes perfect sense.
Tatsuma would go with a crew that is like this, wouldn't he?
His eyes keep on the ground, but he nods before bringing both of his palms to his face. ]