[Sakamoto doesn't look all that perturbed on the outside. Mildly frazzled, confused perhaps, but not terrified.
Should he have closed his eyes?
What a pathetic, fragile man he is, and in his mind he curses himself for being so weak. The gesture was nothing more than an innocent one, Katsura is affectionate in ways that many would find unfitting for a man, but that didn't mean anything. It shouldn't have stirred that.]
I'm out late all the time.
Don't be sorry.
[He wants more than anything to grab Zura's face and kiss him, or scream, scream about how frustrating it is to be smiling in a room full of old, disappointed faces, how being an optimist can put an invisible but heavy weight on one's shoulders.
Sakamoto is not the kind of man to share his problems so easily, and maybe that's because he doesn't think of them as problems. There are people with no beds to sleep in, no homes to speak of, who go about their days feeling miserable and hungry and sad.
Everything unpleasant in his life is just that- Mildly unpleasant. Easily tucked away.]
I'm glad you're here.
[He reaches out to brush a dark strand of hair to the side, as he can't resist the urge to at least touch the other man.]
[ He's completely oblivious, too, of precisely the kind fo worries and troubles that Sakamoto wants to yell about. Maybe he would understand; maybe he wouldn't. They always have been similar in certain ways— the kind of ways that matter, at least.
Katsura's smile doesn't last very long— it gradually fades as he keeps his gaze across the room, nervous feet shifting against the flooring beneath him. His dark eyes are focused elsewhere; on a wall, as if it were interesting. Tatsuma's rough fingers brushing against his face when he pushes his hair back causes him to shut his eyes and dip his head sideways so his cheek is resting in his palm. He keeps it there, one of his own hands lifting to hold Sakamoto's hand that is holding his own face. He pulls it down from his cheek, keeping his hand in Sakamoto's. ]
Sakamoto.. [ His voice is just above a whisper. ]
What are we to do without him? [ He's looking at Sakamoto now, face filling with warming heat as the corners of his eyes prick with tears. Apparently he's still not done crying. ]
Live our life as beautifully as we can, yes; that is what he would want.. but how can we do that without him here?
[Sakamoto has made a lot of sacrifices, but it is at times like these where he wonders- How selfish is he really, despite being so willing to spend so much time living for other people?
Perhaps it's not entirely different- If something like this were to happen to Mutsu, for example, his entire world would fall apart. The sky would no longer look blue, seeing the sea would leave a bitter taste in his mouth, and even seeing a hat like hers or a girl with her hair color...
It would just make him feel wretched.
This must be what Zura is going through right now. Sakamoto is hurt too, surely, but while Gintoki was an important person in his life, he was not at the center of it.]
Go to sleep.
[Kindly:]
Don't waste too much of yer time thinkin' about it. You won't find somethin' like that if you look too hard! The important stuff always comes to ya when you're not waitin' around for it.
It takes you by surprise. So, so! Get some rest while you still can. You're next big thing might be just around the corner.
[ Yes. Go to sleep. It's been so long since he has actually gotten a decent night's rest, but maybe tonight will be different now that he is in the company of somebody he cares about. Katsura just nods, lifting a hand to wipe away from of the tears that dare attempt to grace his cheeks. ]
You're right. [ Sakamoto is.. sometimes! Especially when he doesn't mishear what Katsura is saying— so he appreciates the comfort. ]
It is hard not to think of him, though, and everything he left behind. [ Katsura continues on, curling his legs onto the bed and tucking them under the covers. He rests his head down on the pillow and exerts a sigh from the back of his throat, back facing Sakamoto as he keeps on his side.
Maybe like this, he can afford to let a few more tears leave his body. He was always trying to appear strong and leadership like and showing sadness just seemed like a weakness to him in front of another person. Though, the more he thinks about it, he should feel comfortable to do whatever he needs in Sakamoto's presence. They've been through enough together, and without a doubt, Sakamoto has probably seen him pretty low. Not at his lowest, like right now with what happened, but low. Maybe it would be alright.
Once Sakamoto is settled in, a long silence passes before Katsura shifts and clings onto his friend. Crying? There it is. Actual crying right into Sakamoto's shoulder. It's very quiet, but Tatsuma can definitely feel tears soaking into the robe he was wearing.
This is exactly what he needed right now. Elizabeth provided comfort, but Sakamoto is the only person that truly feels the same way about Gintoki's passing. The Yorozuya family had their own way of grieving— those from Yoshiwara had a different way— and so forth. Everybody remembered Gintoki in a certain and unique way— but only Katsura and Sakamoto remember him as a warrior and a fighter.
They are the only two that have these shared memories who have lost something precious. ]
[It's not as though Sakamoto isn't hurting too, but he knows that Gintoki and Zura have always been close, the closest, so the loss is probably harder on the other.
That too, though Gintoki had a good deal of Sakamoto's faith and respect, Sakamoto's world hasn't changed immensely. He can do what he's always done, run far away and avoid everything that will ever remind him of the man. He can avoid sweet shops and pachinko parlors, and even the district where Gintoki used to stay. Everything painful can be easily omitted from his life, isolated and shelved away, as if it were never there in the first place.
Sakamoto holds Zura tightly, at first not disturbing the other, just letting him cry and asking no questions.]
It hurts so much, Sakamoto— [ —is Katsura's only response through a strained sound. He doesn't say anything else though his hold tightens around Sakamoto's middle. He refuses to lt go anytime soon, even as intimate as they were being right now... it's exactly what he needed and wanted. ]
I want to go to sleep.. and not hurt anymore. [ no, he doesn't want to open up the wound he has been bearing for weeks now. It's the only thing that would probably, honestly, make him feel better to air out all of his feelings and thoughts; all of the pain that he's been suffering to somebody who genuinely understands.
And yet, he can't. Katsura ignored that fact about him, though. He was too stubborn for his own good.
Be strong, he always knew he had to be. Be a leader— he was determined.
Katsura quiets down soon enough, though, and any conversation Tatsuma tries to make gets radio silence. Maybe another day. ]
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no subject
Should he have closed his eyes?
What a pathetic, fragile man he is, and in his mind he curses himself for being so weak. The gesture was nothing more than an innocent one, Katsura is affectionate in ways that many would find unfitting for a man, but that didn't mean anything. It shouldn't have stirred that.]
I'm out late all the time.
Don't be sorry.
[He wants more than anything to grab Zura's face and kiss him, or scream, scream about how frustrating it is to be smiling in a room full of old, disappointed faces, how being an optimist can put an invisible but heavy weight on one's shoulders.
Sakamoto is not the kind of man to share his problems so easily, and maybe that's because he doesn't think of them as problems. There are people with no beds to sleep in, no homes to speak of, who go about their days feeling miserable and hungry and sad.
Everything unpleasant in his life is just that- Mildly unpleasant. Easily tucked away.]
I'm glad you're here.
[He reaches out to brush a dark strand of hair to the side, as he can't resist the urge to at least touch the other man.]
It really has been a while.
no subject
Katsura's smile doesn't last very long— it gradually fades as he keeps his gaze across the room, nervous feet shifting against the flooring beneath him. His dark eyes are focused elsewhere; on a wall, as if it were interesting. Tatsuma's rough fingers brushing against his face when he pushes his hair back causes him to shut his eyes and dip his head sideways so his cheek is resting in his palm. He keeps it there, one of his own hands lifting to hold Sakamoto's hand that is holding his own face. He pulls it down from his cheek, keeping his hand in Sakamoto's. ]
Sakamoto..
[ His voice is just above a whisper. ]
What are we to do without him?
[ He's looking at Sakamoto now, face filling with warming heat as the corners of his eyes prick with tears.
Apparently he's still not done crying. ]
Live our life as beautifully as we can, yes; that is what he would want.. but how can we do that without him here?
no subject
Perhaps it's not entirely different- If something like this were to happen to Mutsu, for example, his entire world would fall apart. The sky would no longer look blue, seeing the sea would leave a bitter taste in his mouth, and even seeing a hat like hers or a girl with her hair color...
It would just make him feel wretched.
This must be what Zura is going through right now. Sakamoto is hurt too, surely, but while Gintoki was an important person in his life, he was not at the center of it.]
Go to sleep.
[Kindly:]
Don't waste too much of yer time thinkin' about it. You won't find somethin' like that if you look too hard! The important stuff always comes to ya when you're not waitin' around for it.
It takes you by surprise. So, so! Get some rest while you still can. You're next big thing might be just around the corner.
no subject
You're right.
[ Sakamoto is.. sometimes! Especially when he doesn't mishear what Katsura is saying— so he appreciates the comfort. ]
It is hard not to think of him, though, and everything he left behind. [ Katsura continues on, curling his legs onto the bed and tucking them under the covers. He rests his head down on the pillow and exerts a sigh from the back of his throat, back facing Sakamoto as he keeps on his side.
Maybe like this, he can afford to let a few more tears leave his body. He was always trying to appear strong and leadership like and showing sadness just seemed like a weakness to him in front of another person. Though, the more he thinks about it, he should feel comfortable to do whatever he needs in Sakamoto's presence. They've been through enough together, and without a doubt, Sakamoto has probably seen him pretty low. Not at his lowest, like right now with what happened, but low. Maybe it would be alright.
Once Sakamoto is settled in, a long silence passes before Katsura shifts and clings onto his friend. Crying? There it is. Actual crying right into Sakamoto's shoulder. It's very quiet, but Tatsuma can definitely feel tears soaking into the robe he was wearing.
This is exactly what he needed right now. Elizabeth provided comfort, but Sakamoto is the only person that truly feels the same way about Gintoki's passing. The Yorozuya family had their own way of grieving— those from Yoshiwara had a different way— and so forth. Everybody remembered Gintoki in a certain and unique way— but only Katsura and Sakamoto remember him as a warrior and a fighter.
They are the only two that have these shared memories who have lost something precious. ]
no subject
That too, though Gintoki had a good deal of Sakamoto's faith and respect, Sakamoto's world hasn't changed immensely. He can do what he's always done, run far away and avoid everything that will ever remind him of the man. He can avoid sweet shops and pachinko parlors, and even the district where Gintoki used to stay. Everything painful can be easily omitted from his life, isolated and shelved away, as if it were never there in the first place.
Sakamoto holds Zura tightly, at first not disturbing the other, just letting him cry and asking no questions.]
Zura?
no subject
[ —is Katsura's only response through a strained sound. He doesn't say anything else though his hold tightens around Sakamoto's middle. He refuses to lt go anytime soon, even as intimate as they were being right now... it's exactly what he needed and wanted. ]
I want to go to sleep.. and not hurt anymore.
[ no, he doesn't want to open up the wound he has been bearing for weeks now. It's the only thing that would probably, honestly, make him feel better to air out all of his feelings and thoughts; all of the pain that he's been suffering to somebody who genuinely understands.
And yet, he can't.
Katsura ignored that fact about him, though. He was too stubborn for his own good.
Be strong, he always knew he had to be. Be a leader— he was determined.
Katsura quiets down soon enough, though, and any conversation Tatsuma tries to make gets radio silence.
Maybe another day. ]